MY JOURNAL IS NOT FRIENDS ONLY ANYMORE BUT YOU NEED TO COMMENT OR I CAN'T ADD YOU

Some things before Otakon:

-If you need my cell number let me know!
-I expect anyone going to come see the ULTIMATE LOLITA FASHION SHOW at 10 AM SATURDAY morning, Panel 6 at the Hilton in which I am modeling and oh yeah I guess my friends worked their asses off to make some gorgeous garments! You guys are gonna be blown away!
-We want to hit up the Indian buffet (the one with the chai dispenser!!) after the fashion show so everyone should come do that too:

Lumbini on 322 N Charles St! Text me if you can't find it!!

-You guys know my life has been awfully weird lately! If I am cold or distant or aloof or shy it is not because I hate anyone or am dissing anyone on purpose. I'm not the most social creature to begin with and I hope you guys understand if I start to withdraw a little bit. I am REALLY looking forward to hanging out with everybody though and I owe many people many hugs, so expect them!

Not related to Otakon, I am embarrassing!




Just thought I'd remind everyone

 i know you'll be embarrassed but i've written you a love poem

Every day I am ruled by your authority --
though i should handle you, it's you who handles me
and I sit cowering
waiting for your next act of mockery

I can see your wheels spinning as you decide 
whether or not this time you'll deride
me by ripping and tearing
when you should be sealing

jamming
and cramming
when you should moisten

but when you do right by me 
i blush red at the victory 
and it's only ever when i am alone
and i can whisper your name 
sealed into my heart and stamped on your frame
"pitney-bowes" 

when i am away from you i dream of tipping your scales
it's you who enables me
DARLING!!
to deliver my mail

( a picture of my beloved )  

i am excited about otakon. who is going? i don't know what i'm gonna wear. i'm probably going to be a mess all weekend DON'T JUDGE ME. 
i am sad they're not having the ero-guro panel again this year! i guess i have to content myself with "sailor moon's influence on hentai"...

...


i really like working every day. it makes me less depressed! yesterday narcy gave me a task that required an actual modicum of competence and i didn't ruin it horribly! 

i am going to carnivolution friday night (refer to this entry of awesome here)-- does anyone wanna come with?

i feel like i want to make a little memorial website for bob-- something completely separate from the donations and foundations and whatever else. it wouldn't be like a tacky myspace page for him or anything. it'd just be youtube links to the movie "help!" and teletubbies episodes and pictures of him and a mix CD of songs he loved and maybe people could send me memories they had of him...

I NEED NEW LJ ICONS

my wonderful friend marika is doing BOBATHON-- if you've heard of blogathon, where you blog for 24 hours for a certain cause-- this is like that except it is for my family! please go have a look! i am so grateful to her for doing this for me!

 GOD I MISS MAKEOUTS SO MUCH i would kiss just about anyone right now

   

how do i make this more like bubble bobble cosplay and less like me just being an attention whore? is that something i should even bother doing? i am pretty much only doing it to be an attention whore and because i haven't gotten new lolita clothes in a really really long time

i am going to start working EVERY DAY. my job is following up on the hours they promised me. most of my job involves scanning every single policy in the company so i am going to have to re-learn how to crochet or something. i just feed 50 papers at a time into the scanner and it does its thing and then i have to pretend to not be playing with my cell phone every time someone walks into MY OFFICE. ok it is not my office or even my desk, it is "THE HUB", where the big fax machine is, but i get to sit at the desk while i scan and it is MY OFFICE. i also get to use the mail machine now-- a hulking monster that you feed mail into and it stamps and seals it for you. it can be vicious; it tore up some of the mail instead of sealing it. the mail machine is just a reflection of the tempers of the fates. 

i really liked walking to the fireworks today. the fireworks were pretty beautiful, but it didn't feel like summer and i can't believe it's july already. i like my town, i like everyone walking in procession towards the lawn to all watch the fireworks together. i am used to walking back alone and feeling this odd, dream-like sensation, a mix of catharsis, alienation, loneliness, and introspection. i didn't get that this year since i walked home with a crowd but maybe i couldn't handle it anyway. 

   

This is what I wore, I am a patriot and a fashion model and I STILL KNOW to pretend like I wouldn't eat a meat bikini

pretty lonely

I really need headphones! I want Swimmer ones.

Well, what I need is to fill out my FAFSA and get my permit form re-signed by my doctor. And to write something about Bob for my mom. 

Guys

Irritable Bowel Syndrome is the worst. Every time I go out to eat I have to poop at the restaurant

Fun fact: I used to think no one would ever love me because I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome

More fun fact: I kind of still believe that sometimes or many times



THIS IS THE FACE OF IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME

I am in Washington DC because Gini took the ACT test at Gallaudet. It is really interesting being in an environment of primarily deaf people! I realize how little sign language I know and I think I am going to take some ASL courses at Temple.

I kind of hate DC. I am spoiled by my city that was built on a grid! We've been getting lost a lot. 

I've been oddly really, really upset about Michael Jackson. A friend of mine posted a video of him speaking at an Anti-Racism conference in Harlem and it made me feel a little scared that his contributions to music history and even race relations might be overlooked because of crimes he may or may not have committed. I really loved Gotham Chopra's tribute to him: "Writing Songs With My Friend Mike". Whatever the whole truth may have been, his whole existence was really tragic and I think we've lost someone truly inimitable. He was a genius. 

HI It takes a real class act to talk about poop and then try to write a tribute to an icon in one entry huh. ;---;  sorry

GROOOOOOVE

i am not friends with these people anymore and their caption was "middle school valentine's dance. wtf"

i loved those pants so much. they were big and puffy like all pants from hot topic and they had these clear vinyl pockets towards the feet. also note the dog collar.

i can't believe i wore my hair like that back then and still think it's acceptable now



hahahha i look exactly the same

 

p.s. vote for daphny in the LJ representative election!


p.p.s. does anyone use google reader? i am addicted! if you don't, it's an RSS feed aggregator and sort of like a social news/blog sharing thing. i use it for fashion and feminist news and gif sharing. hohoh. i think more people should use it. 

i am going to do intake for counseling tomorrow, bright and early. i am not looking forward to it even though i need to do it because the last time i was set up with counseling paid for by insurance the psychiatrist told me i had asperger syndrome and tried to give me an anti-seizure medication for weight loss. NG. 

THANK YOU to everyone who bought tickets or donated in the egl raffle. you guys are so sweet!!!

Ok, so I finished the entry about Bob but I am putting it under the cut because it is like 5 pages long.

( may 31 )


I feel pretty numb, still. When I am about to go to bed I start thinking about him but my mind won't let me face the reality, which is that I will never see my little brother again. I miss him so much and it hurts.

I hope his rest isn't 'peaceful' but raucous and loud and full of music.

 hi so wells fargo sent us a letter saying "send us 26,000 by october 1st and we'll let you stay on the payment plan you were on before!" 

i think my mom is leaning strongly towards moving and not struggling forever. i guess we don't need all this space for three people but this is my home...  

at this point it is probably going to cost me more to get to work than i get paid. i might apply to the linguistic research department at UPenn for some grunt work.

i am really tired, all the time. 

i want a vacation. i want to run away. don't worry! i don't have a passport and i don't drive yet-- i have to get my permit signed by my doctor AGAIN before i can re-take the test.

i don't feel hopeless but i do feel very exhausted... ok maybe i feel hopeless.