Dear Mary

Thank you for your application to study at the University of East Anglia. This is to confirm that you have been accepted by us as an Exchange student. You will be enrolled to study for the full year in the School of American Studies in the Faculty of Arts & Humanities.

You should notify the School of American Studies of any change of home address, or any learning/physical disabilities which may impact on your studies at the University.

A formal acceptance letter will be sent to you shortly, along with information about applying for accommodation. Details of University residences are on the Accommodation Office's website www.uea.ac.uk/accommodation/exchange-students, and the Accommodation Preference Form is now open. If you wish to stay in University housing you must submit an on-line form before the deadline or you will not be allocated a room.

2012-2013

Autumn Semester

24 September 2012 to 14 December 2012

Arrival and Orientation dates: to be confirmed (Christmas break 15 December 2012 to 6 January 2013)

Spring Semester

7 January 2013 to 22 March 2013

Arrival and Orientation dates: to be confirmed (Easter break 23 March to 14 April 2013)

15 April 2013 to 19 April 2013

i am done with school for the semester. i thought i would feel elated but i actually just feel really lonely. i tried walking home from the train station today and it was a mistake, but i didn't have any other way of getting home. i feel terrified and stuck. i don't have health insurance and i've given all my money to someone who probably won't pay it back. of course i don't begrudge her for it but it puts me in a scary position. i don't know what's wrong with my feet, if the bones are actually stress fractured or what, and i will probably end up putting all of my next paycheck into fixing my feet but i have so little money and i have terrible anxiety about going to medical professionals. they will probably tell me to just lose weight but how can i when i can barely walk, let alone exercise? i have to be on my feet for 6-10 hours a day for my job, and it doesn't feel so bad when i'm just standing.

i went through this last year and i'm not sure how i resolved it. i guess by quitting my job? or i must have fixed my feet before that. maybe if i had two days in a row off my feet would have time to heal. i've been elevating them and putting a heating pad on them. i don't think it's just that i'm fat that has caused this, because i've always walked everywhere.

whenever something gets out of my control my suicidal ideation returns really quickly. 

is this livejournal part of my extended/perpetual adolescence? adults don't talk about their feelings publicly. this is fine. i got to thinking last night, when i couldn't sleep, that i'm not sure i've ever actually been in love. i've experienced terrible obsession and seem to still be in the midst of it. i've cared for people and felt fondness towards them. i think when other people talk about love they reference a connection that, according to their descriptions, i have never experienced. i thought i had it a couple times, but it is very easy to dream a connection when someone can repeatedly use you to validate their own brilliance or wittiness, and that is the connection they thrive on, not mutual respect or affection. either i am or my partner is unknowable, every time. i think, i feel certain maybe, that i have never been loved by anyone else.

i am an emotionally disfigured person. i really love my friends. whenever i can't understand what's good about myself, i at least know that some of the smartest, funniest, most interesting people i have ever met still choose to grace me with their company. 

i guess i must not be working hard enough. i was really proud of myself. my last two papers were finished at a reasonable hour the night before they were due. i have no idea what i got on my exams but i felt i knew all the material, and in my four literature classes, i did pretty much every single reading and assignment. i work every shift my boss will give me and i have never called out, even though i am physically ill every single day and now can barely walk. in my free time my first inclination is to write music, write articles, to make the paltry things i am capable of. i used to spend my ENTIRE day on the internet but somehow i don't feel different or better, no matter how much of my day i devote to being a real person. 

oh god shut up mary bye

my sister told to me post more so first thing:
dear sisters, please don't text me when you know it is 2am in pennsylvania because it is likely i am either working on a paper or getting the 4 hours of sleep that sir isaac will reduce to 2 with his constant neediness

after i do a group presentation today i will just have to hand in 2 papers and take 3 exams. 2 exams and both papers are all due on the same day.

i was nominated for a year abroad at university of east anglia. i unequivocally want to go but i am sad about leaving behind all the good things i've wished for forever and just now gotten: someone who genuinely cares for me and whom i care about a ton, a music writing partner/band, good friends, and a job i love. also i have no idea where the money would come from. as soon as i found out i was nominated i wrote my scholarship essay (i don't think it covers even 1/5th of tuition though), my application for university of east anglia, and filled out the form for the classes i want to take. i also was like I HAVE IBS ENSUITE PLEASE. as soon as i'm able i'll apply to the housing that temple covers that is a private room and hopefully that's what i'll get

if i even get to go

some days i really feel like i have something more serious than IBS. i feel like my body is actually about to self-destruct. if i get my study abroad, since i'll be there for more than 6 months, i'll be covered by the NHS. it is pathetic how excited i am about that.

i have done almost every single reading this semester. hundreds and hundreds of pages. i've already written 5 papers (3 of which i know I got As on and the other 2 haven't been graded) and aced my midterms. 
it's because i deactivated my facebook. it really made a world of difference. 

i am a completely different person than i used to be. i still have no idea what i'll do after school but i feel capable of a lot, for once. provided i get my health under control :/

tired, tired, tired, hands cracking from the cold, and always, my body feels used up. i spend what little time to myself wondering if i can keep going like this. i've never been busier in my life, between school, studying/writing, work, and friends. i am a permanent resident of cloud cuckoo land with sundry plans occurring to me, being dismissed, and reoccurring: maybe i'll do a language immersion program and achieve fluency in arabic, maybe i'll minor in portuguese, maybe i really will just sing until poverty destroys me, maybe i'll lose a lot of weight and marry someone rich.

i have been writing music with a friend from school. i asked her on an impulse if she would consider writing music with me, having never even heard her sing, and sure enough she sings beautifully, has a terrific sense of harmony, can somehow write songs on the guitar without knowing how to play, and is non-judgmental and funny. i don't want to make too strong an emotional investment in this working out, but i have looked for so long for someone to collaborate with, and we're motivating each other. i can't let this fall away!

my first open mic with my uncle bill on back-up was ok. the audience was understandably totally apathetic. i don't know that i will ever have that vocal quality that emotionally moves people. i wonder if that's something that can ever be developed.  

things i have baked recently: cranberry + white choc ookies, heath bar blondies,, apricot + white choc oatmeal cookies, butterscotch oatmeal cookies, chocolate chip pretzel cookies

even with all the good things in my life somehow i still feel completely hopeless. it's not that i am ungrateful, it's just that i have to struggle so much to get through every day and that i don't know that it's worth it. i am considering doing self-hypnosis.